hello we need a meme

[in_extremis]

I know we don't really do memes but while we're stuck on this spaceship, it felt like we needed something to channel all of the chatting energy into that isn't AAAH SPACE. So let's be stuck together somewhere else! I am stealing this meme in its entirety. You can either adapt prompts to fit better to the game, or talk amongst yourselves, I'm not your dad.
Two whole people did not discourage me from doing this, so I assume everyone is going to be very enthusiastic.


THEKINDASTUCKMEME
Well, at least it's not glue.

RULES:
o1. Put down your character with your preferences about sticking to game canon, or some notes about their homeworld if you would rather make this work that way, or just how you're feeling today so we can all support you.
o2. Those replying can pick / rng / ask Snape on the astral plane to choose one of the prompts below.
o3. You know what they say: birds of a feather get stuck in questionably legal situations together!

Hope you enjoy your enforced quality time, when you're both stuck -

o1. in traffic, after an atrocious argument.
o2. distracting this person, while your partner in comedy/crime organizes their surprise party, or slashes their car tyres.
o3. defending the base for the next vicious 42 min, until your cavalry to get here. Ladies, gentlemen: good luck.
o4. on a raft, idly drifting the way of the nearest deserted island, a surely cute shark in tow.
o5. in an air vent, after fruitlessly stalking this person, whom you thought to be a serial killer. They don't make friendly neighbours like they used to.
o6. trapped in a codependent relationship with your bed / pet / really domestic hobby, from which this person hopes to break you by way of alcohol a social intervention.
o7. in a waiting room, while you're hanging around for the results for a highly embarrassing disease test, and would really rather not run into anyone you kno - ...God damn it.
o8. trying to safely navigate through a department store, after carelessly forgetting you were out on your measly errand during Black Friday / the year's biggest one-day sale.
o9. standing guard in front of a bedroom with this nigh-stranger, so your Romeo-Juliet-like friends can finally get it on in behind closed doors, thematic noises included. Get the small talk going.
10. with your hair in one of their zippers. You pick which. Everyone else just points and laughs.
11. delivering some pretty terrible news to them.
12. with your hand in their mailbox, just as they're coming out of their house, or apartment.
13. doing the dishes, when you both forgot your wallets and can't foot the bill.
14. playing moral support for your friend, who's stuck in a magician's box, while said magician goes off to look for the key. And coffee. And dinner.
15. reading a manual on how to defuse a bomb, or a very sensitive alarm system. Tick-tack. No rush.
16. waiting for the movie reels to get changed over from an accidental porn showing, courtesy of teenagers in charge of the screening room. You're also out of popcorn.
17. under the only stone building around for miles in the middle of an acidic rain. And then you wonder whether pollution's really on the rise.
18. on the roof, after the ladder's snapped in half. Your neighbour's particularly irritable cat might also be out on the prowl.
19. in a bdsm swing. Look, no one's judging.
20. baby-sitting, pet-sitting, or car-sitting. Yes, that new Ferrari needs day and night surveillance.
21. in a lake, because this person caught you skinny-dipping and won't. Go. Away.
22. on the phone for an important interview / business conversation, while this person tries to distract you.
23. waiting to be ransomed, while in the actually quite loving care of especially incompetent criminals.
24. with your and this person's thumbs engaged in a dysfunctional Chinese finger trap.
25. waiting for them to make the Important Announcement they've been hinting at all week, while they taunt and tease you with it.

Comments

[beholding_archivist]

"Are you saying I'm not being paid enough for my job?" Jon asks, sounding genuinely befuddled by the mere idea. And while Jon doesn't think so, Tony may well be right. Jon doesn't know how much the previous Archivist got paid, though people his age tend to be happy to just be having a job at all. And he found a place he can afford comparably close to his work place as well. Which is enough for him. Truly, as far as Jon is concerned, he has been incredibly lucky. Why would he assume that all of this are merely the machinations of his boss to make sure he is thoroughly tied to the Institute, unable to quit and bound to serve an evil entity he doesn't even know of yet?

[in_extremis]

With only the vaguest sense of what Jon's job actually entailed, Tony could only gesture with uncertainty, what do you think?. "In my experience," he could only offer, "keys to the whole building come with a hefty raise. And, what are you, like, a librarian? Not my usual company, but I was in more than enough librarian's places back in school, and, for starters, they were all much better suited to some truly legendary house parties. I wouldn't expect you to host breakfast tomorrow. If I were you, I'd start asking questions." Then again, Tony wouldn't be enthusiastically hiring Jon any time soon, knowing he couldn't be trusted to keep the company secrets, and had to add, "Maybe not right away," with another gesture for this skulduggery.

[beholding_archivist]

"Archivist." Jon simply corrects as they walk deeper into the building, remaining on the ground floor until they are further back in and reach a large pair of double doors which again require to be unlocked. From there their path takes them a set of stairs down. "I don't know what American librarians are being paid. I can afford to live in Central London and for me, that is enough." He pauses as they reach something of an intersection. One is another set of stairs leading down with a sign reading Archives over them, the other is another set of doors, these ones heavy and secured with two locks and a keypad. The large, yet undecorated letters on it read Artifact Storage.

It's here that Jon hesitates to take them further, but instead turns to Tony with a stern expression on his face. "Do you know what the Magnus Institute does? What we deal with here and what sort of items we keep behind these doors? If you don't know, what do you expect?"

[in_extremis]

As serious as Jon had consistently been since first shouting at him, the stern expression made Tony raise his eyebrows, feeling even more like he was being scolded by a librarian despite Jon's correction. He didn't come prepared for a test today. "Haunted dolls?" he tried. "Homunculi? Jesus' foreskin?"

[beholding_archivist]

"Jesus Christ..." Jon mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, shaking his head. "Don't guess. I don't need a right answer, Tony. That's why I asked about what you think we do here." Though the answer has been clear enough. Dealing with the weird stuff.

"All of what's in here is dangerous. So I need your word that you will not try to touch anything."

[in_extremis]

"Yeah, that one," Tony had offered brightly when Jon cursed, then slouched back with his hands in his pockets again, still not able to make sense of this test Jon was putting him through now that they lingered in this dark hall. Surely, this was something they would have discussed well before making the trip over, if Tony had any reason to think it wasn't worth coming. "Listen, at least one of three things is going to happen," he explained, since it was sounding like Jon wasn't sure what Tony was expecting to get out of this. "One: some of your spooky stories you guys think will bring you closer to understanding the human condition or whatever, while you're busy trying to figure out what it all means, you neglected to notice why the story was being told, and that's going to get me closer to a Mayan Resurrection Ritual or an Ichor of Longevity that some Nazi lunatic hid in his grandma's floorboards then told everyone the whole town was haunted. Two: and we're admittedly heading in a downward scale, this is a ranked list, we head into the tunnels and I at least get confirmation that there's nothing particularly interesting down there and I can cross it off the list for now, or we discover a werewolf den and, you know, can deal with that. Three: this really is just a big, goth library, and I get to flirt with you for a couple hours until you can't stand it anymore. That could break a couple different ways, but the point is, you're going to have to work hard to surprise or disappoint me."

With a deep breath, he looked expectantly toward the door, and then as if to follow up on his outlined expectations, looked sidelong back Jon's way with a spark to ask, "Anything?"

[beholding_archivist]

Jon just gives Tony a long, silent look in response. This is going to be exhausting. "You make me wish this were nothing but a big, goth library." He replies flatly, but then turns to the door to start unlocking it. "Do you need me to hold your hands to keep them away from the artifacts? Looking at most is fine. We still research the large table made of dark wood with the intricate carving patterns, but I suggest you don't stare at them for too long. Research found one of the library assistants standing in front of it and just- Staring at it. They had to bodily remove her from the room to snap her out of it. The wardrobe will also try to lure you in. As will any sort of weapon, instrument, book or tool - Which is why they are kept in sealed plastic boxes. The meat grinder will compel you to grind your own body parts through it - Which will regrow, somehow, but- Don't. Just don't."

[in_extremis]

"Because of the werewolves, or for the flirting?" Tony wondered, and it turned out it was because of all of the weird shit they kept locked up, by this brief account. It sounded like it was going to be a herculean effort of self control not to touch the weird shit, partially because Tony had to make sure for himself that Jon wasn't deep in the kool-aid and had been convinced by the powers that be that he not only deserved to stay on a research assistant's salary, but that the wardrobe would eat him. Partially because he kind of wanted to know what it was like to be lured by the wardrobe, or regrow a limb. That was a new one. He sidled up behind Jon as the doors swung open, sticking an arm out around either side of him and wiggling his fingers, grabby. "What's with all of the compulsion?" he asked, not about to let that pattern go without comment.

[beholding_archivist]

Will Jon give those grabby hands a slap? Yes, he gives those grabby hands a slap. Both of them. The room the doors open into is exactly what it is said to be: A large storage place. Windowless with long, high shelves for smaller pieces, many of them in boxes, labeled and with various warnings attached to them. Bigger pieces are kept in the back of the room, including the table and the wardrobe Jon has mentioned.

"Don't know." He answers honestly. "But it's what makes these items dangerous. Some will make you hunt down others before forcing you to kill yourself. Some simply trap you until you lose your mind and eventually perish. The red calliope in the back with the sealed keys- I read the statement concerning that one recently. It not only makes you play it faster and faster, but it appears to also control a small clown doll that rips off people's jaws. The doll is missing from that set. Other items here simply interfere with items such as the security cameras unless stored away in particular ways. Some make you feel watched, see or hear things or make items and even people disappear."

[in_extremis]

The slap made Tony snatch his arms back, but snort as he hid them out of range of further attack, then go sauntering carelessly by Jon to peer up and around at the shelves. None of this was sounding particularly like the kind of thing Tony was usually looking for, if Tony could take Jon's word for it. Sagely, he said, "Haunted dolls," like that was anything like a berserker clown doll. Interfering with security cameras could have been useful, either to apply himself or to find out how to effectively neutralize it, but first he had to ask, "Disappear to where?" Tony was willing to put up with plenty of fantastic concepts, but there were some basic laws of physics that he was not about suspend disbelief for.

[beholding_archivist]

Jon just shrugs as they step between the shelves, his eyes on Tony and ready to pull him back should he decide to try something unwise.

"No one knows for no one returns. Some get erased from existence entirely. A man lost his husband to a vase, but according to the memories of everyone he knew, all his legal documents and even his marriage certificate his husband has never existed. Photographs of people erased like this show odd empty spaces, as do video recordings. They are simply gone." It's but one of many points on the list of things they try to figure out.